Denial
08. Jun, 2010 
6 Comments
I think I knew. I think I’ve always known. But even though I’ve known, I didn’t know, you know? I knew, theoretically, but I didn’t know empirically. Today, all that’s changed.
See, yesterday I decided to count my calories all day. I’d been doing the gym thing, yet gaining no ground when it came to the scale. Bothersome. I added the Mountain Dew I pulled from the ‘fridge as breakfast. My hobbit-like second breakfast of a blueberry muffin and a mocha latte. My salad for lunch. The pair of cookies and the Mountain Dew after that. The McDonalds for dinner. Some M&Ms and a Mountain Dew for a snack.
The thing is, I don’t really know how it happened. I mean, my God… look at that list. Outside of a salad for lunch, am I even a little bit serious?!? I need to deal with the reality of my denial. And what’s worse, there’s a part of me that, in writing that, doesn’t believe I’m in denial. That even though I’ve put back 30 of the 85 pounds I’d lost, I’m still fine. I’m okay.
My jeans are tight.
I don’t wear an XL shirt anymore.
I’m back to my second notch in the belt, not the third.
I’m in denial.
I’m leaving for the gym now.
ps, 277 on the scale and yesterday I ate a grand total of 4327 calories. Ain’t no denying it.
I was beginning to wonder what happened to you man. Ughhh that sucks but you can’t go back and fix it. You can only address the issues that got you back there again.
You can also look at the fact that you are still 55 lbs. ahead of the game so you obviously know how to make it work. Maybe some adjustments need to be made or tweaked in your regimen but you can do it regardless.
Oh, and step away from the frickin Mt. Dew! What are you thinking?? You could wean yourself off of it by trying the diet but blechhh…
Hang in there man!!!
Since you nailed it, you can’t call it denial…..just kinda sorta…..
These things do happen!
But, as you know, it’s not what happens, so much as what we DO about what happens… That’s what matters more.
Glad you are back!
After gaining 62 pounds in the last 7 years, I started doing serious calorie counting about 6 weeks ago with the MyNetDiary iPad app (I think there’s an iphone version too). Very quick and easy to use. Also made a rule about no eating after 8 PM. So far, I’ve lost about 8 pounds without starving myself (but there’s a long way to go).
I’ve done the yo-yo BS before, but hadn’t done the calorie tracking. I think it really helps to see what you’re taking in and knowing how much your body really needs for sustenance.
Using an aid like that to reduce the PITA calculations might help it become part of your routine, as well as tracking against a realistic weight loss rate of ~1 pound a week.
You can’t beat yourself up about where you were and think that you should still be there, you just need to worry about where you are and where you want to go next.
Good luck Roder.
Well, you’ve now written it down, so you’re obviously getting to the point where denial isn’t gonna happen anymore. It’s not about getting it all right the first time, believe me. It’s definitely about facing the issues that are causing it and making slight improvements in the meantime.
I personally hate tracking calories, but if I do it every so often, it’s a great reality check. So good for you on doing that, even if it made you feel disgusted. Now you get to decide where and how you want to go from here! I’m cheering you!
Roder, admitting you got a problem here is the way you will defeat the denial and eat in awareness. Hang tough, you can get over this. I am now more then 50 pounds lighter then you, but I have been there and we both know you deserve better. Make it happen
I don’t want to badger you but I am just checking in. Hope things are looking up.