Time to start it up!
23. Feb, 2010 
11 Comments
Back in July of 2008 I found myself a very unhappy 335 pound man. I don’t exactly know why that day, unlike every day before it, brought a huge rush of motivation to me, but I didn’t stop to question why. I didn’t hold myself back. I dived in, joining a gym, changing my eating habits and writing a blog.
My overall goal was to lose 150 pounds, meet a gal, fall in love, and generally get my life moving forward again.
Amazingly, I sort of kind of did that. Only, it doesn’t work out quite like I’d planned it in my head. See, by committing myself, by taking that first step and making a choice, by drawing a line in the sand, I got my life moving forward that day. I discovered a truth then – if you have nothing to look forward to in life, if you’re always looking to the past as your source of happiness, it’s hard for life to progress. That day I started looking forward.
Is it any wonder then that only one week into my new commitment to myself, I found the seeds of a new romantic relationship plant themselves and slowly take root? Positivity breeds positivity, and life started to show me that. Pretty soon she and I were dating, then she asked me to be closer so we could REALLY see what we had together. These days we’re making jokes about how much ring we can afford, and if we should dial it back (me) to have more for a downpayment on a house, or (her) get something that’s a bit more… uh… bigger. 
Looking back at my goals, I see that I hit two on my list: I got my life moving forward, and I found love. The only thing I didn’t do was what I thought the whole thing was about in the first place — lose 150 pounds. At my best, I’d lost 88 pounds, getting down to 247. Tonight when I weighed myself I saw that I’m now 262, amending my loss to 73, or alternatively speaking, gaining 15 pounds.
Fifteen pounds, that have gone from barely-noticed to shameful to hateful in the past four or five months.
And while I’ve been adding weight back on, The Gal has instituted her own weight-loss program to great success. I hate to admit this, but I’ve become jealous. Initially I doubted her willpower — afterall, I was the guy who got up at 5am to hit the gym before work for over a year straight; how was she ever going to find the ability to do something so hard? Yet she did. She’d found the willpower while I’d lost it. It made me envious. Then success for her – one week in and she’d lost weight. One month in and the problems that her knees gave her had all but disappeared under the weight training classes she attended. During that time I noticed that the gorgeous biceps flex I’d developed had vanished. My arm barely changes shape when I flex now. She’d ask me advice, and I willingly gave it — my expertise was all I’d been reduced to at this point. However with each bon mot dispensed, I felt more and more the phony, someone just phoning it in.
That ends now. We’re done with the bullshit. Done with the jealousy, the envy, the feelings of inadequacy and failure that have led me back to ordering large White Chocolate Mochas with whole milk and whip cream, along with apple fritters when starting my day at Caribou Coffee. Eating portion sizes that are twice or more what they should be. Watching my weekly cheat become a daily one. It’s time that is over. It’s time I reassess what I really want. It’s time I finish what I started.
My main goal hasn’t changed — I want to be 185 pounds. However, this time I’ve added some other goals to aim for as well — some weight-related, some not. I’ll be going into those more in the days and weeks ahead, but for now I just want to establish myself again.
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Just as a quick level-set: I used to blog elsewhere, but lost my mojo as The Gal and her friend made reading me a daily habit. As I began to fail I also started to retreat from my daily writings as I didn’t want them focusing and talking about my failures. It became a self-perpetuating problem. I spoke with The Gal regarding my old blog; she was of the opinion that if blogging is important to me (it is), then I should start up a new one, away from the prying eyes of her and her friends. She’s cool with not having a clue about this thing. So am I. I’m back, and I don’t feel so restricted with my thoughts — not that I’ve got lots to write about her or anything. More like, when I’m trying to be honest with myself by blogging my thoughts, I don’t want to fear that it’ll spark debate back home. Anyway, with the start of this blog that issue is effectively dealt with — I’m back, and I couldn’t be more thrilled. As an act of posterity I’ve brought those old posts over to this new joint.
If you’re new to my weight loss efforts, welcome. If you’re an old friend coming further along with me, welcome back.
I’m glad you’re here – we’ve got work to do.
I’m so excited for your new site and for this new step in your journey!
Thanks Mary – I’m excited too!
Likewise, we are now in the same weight range — I expect you to drop those pounds you gained fast and be even with me soon.
The Gal – glad she’s along for support – REAL support -
The kind that really counts….
Hey Anne, glad you found me again!
Thanks for sending me the link and I am so glad that you have started up shop again. Look forward to watching you reach your goals
Hi Katie!
Hey Roder! Good to see you back.
I understand about the blogging thing. It’s one reason I will link my other stuff to bloggerland, but will not link bloggerland to my other stuff. We all need a place to unload and be free. Funny how that’s easier with people you don’t really know. Huh?
Not that I know everyone in my other online life, but it is more professional and it’d be best to keep them seperated.
Think of one fun thing about workouts or one yummy food that is a healthy choice. Start from where it’s easy and take it from there. Staring it down all at once can be overwhelming. It is for me. I find it easier to break it down and keep blinders on.
I am the same way. I talk about my life all the time on my blog, but I won’t talk about my blog to my life (probably because the pressure point is WAY too high for me then, considering my career
. However, I applaud you for getting back to your goals. Consistency and persistence are the two main things that will get you anywhere in life. We’ll all do it together!
I’ve thought about the same thing myself at times as most people I know read my blog occasionally so I can’t express myself as freely as I used to.
Glad you are back, looking forward to reading about your success!