Time I Finish What I Started

I think I knew. I think I’ve always known. But even though I’ve known, I didn’t know, you know? I knew, theoretically, but I didn’t know empirically. Today, all that’s changed.

See, yesterday I decided to count my calories all day. I’d been doing the gym thing, yet gaining no ground when it came to the scale. Bothersome. I added the Mountain Dew I pulled from the ‘fridge as breakfast. My hobbit-like second breakfast of a blueberry muffin and a mocha latte. My salad for lunch. The pair of cookies and the Mountain Dew after that. The McDonalds for dinner. Some M&Ms and a Mountain Dew for a snack.

The thing is, I don’t really know how it happened. I mean, my God… look at that list. Outside of a salad for lunch, am I even a little bit serious?!? I need to deal with the reality of my denial. And what’s worse, there’s a part of me that, in writing that, doesn’t believe I’m in denial. That even though I’ve put back 30 of the 85 pounds I’d lost, I’m still fine. I’m okay.

My jeans are tight.

I don’t wear an XL shirt anymore.

I’m back to my second notch in the belt, not the third.

I’m in denial.

I’m leaving for the gym now.

ps, 277 on the scale and yesterday I ate a grand total of 4327 calories. Ain’t no denying it.

As mass media hype may have already informed you, my favorite show is coming to a close this Sunday. Sniff. In honor of that, some white guys rapping!

Last night I busted out another 45 minute run, clearing just over 3.5 miles in the process. I think I need to up my speed.

This morning I’ve hit the gym and, due to construction being over (I think? there were still road cones, but no burly dudes) I got in a great workout. Squats, arnold presses, triceps pushdowns, biceps reverse curls and pec flys. And now I’m on my lunch break where I’m snacking on steamed broccoli, a pear, eight ounces of pineapple, some string cheese for protein, and my water. Though in the interest of full disclosure I must admit to enjoying a mocha latte and blueberry muffin this morning.

Tomorrow I’ve got a work meeting at 7:30. I guess I’ll hit the gym afterward, though perhaps I’ll sneak some lifting in over my lunch hour, then run after work? Not sure yet. Not sure what The Gal has planned either, which may necessitate a bit of a shift. We’ll see.

Didn’t weigh in this morning. Kind of forgot to in my rush to beat traffic on my way to the gym.

Big focus to remember: Be a Weekend Warrior.

Well, this morning’s trip to the gym did end with me popping *something* in my upper back whilst deadlifting. But even though I had to cut short my lifting (doing triceps pushdowns after that really hurt!), I still feel like a success. The fact is, I made it to the gym yesterday morning, this morning, and last night. And while the morning routines aren’t the best (the road construction/early morning meetings is wreaking havoc with my planned schedule), I’m still getting them in. More than that, I’m improving. I’m going back up in my lifts/reps.

Taking time off and losing my muscle strength and endurance has been tough on me. In addition to watching the number on the scale rise, I’ve seen my waistline, by way of my belt notch, expand and I’ve had to deal with the failures of attempted returns wherein the reality of time off manifested itself in being able to lift fewer pounds for less repetitions. Brutal all around.

But now, with these several gym appearances, things are starting to go my way. I’m starting to look like a plucky baseball team, who, rather than employ the longball to score with one hit, needs to string together several smaller successes. Running out the grounder. Stealing second. Hit-and-run the man to third. And even bunting, as I did this morning with my abbreviated lifting.

Momentum is back on my side. This big train is starting to roll again. Cheesy, cliched metaphor here. Point is, I’m not feeling like I’m stuck on the bench, looking into the game anymore. I’m back on the field, making plays, working to achieve victory.

270.9

ps, I ran for 45 minutes last night. Even pushed through and kept going when a stitch in my side appeared around the 20-minute mark. Made it 5k/3.4 miles. Not all hope is lost!

Some long-time readers know that I commute 85 miles to work most days. When I had a workout partner, I’d wake up at 4:45, get on the road by 5:10 and get to the gym by 6:30. It was a break-neck pace that I just never was comfortable with, but made work. Once Dan was out of the picture, things changed.

I stopped going up early. Then I convinced myself to get a membership at a more local gym. I went in the morning once. Then I convinced myself that I could instead work out in the evenings. Turns out that means that either dinner isn’t until 7:30, or I’m kicking The Gal out by 8:30 or I’m going really late, like around 10:30. Well, the really late option just didn’t work. By that point in the evening, I’d decompressed and become comfortable on the couch or reading or whatever. My low-blood sugar made the former option fail (I’d find myself binging when I tried this as my body needed fuel) and the middle one… well I guess I just never liked that option at all.

Then came a Great Idea, in an unexpected form. Road construction.

Turns out that my route is under construction. Leaving at my normal time to reach the office by 9, I was met by a throng of commuters. Suddenly my 85-minute commute turned into something around two hours. Brutal.

The solution?

Leave sooner. Avoid the rush. Avoid the traffic. Avoid the slow-downs.

Turns out that to avoid the rush/traffic means that I have to leave at 6. That puts me in the area at 7:30. My options then become 1) spend more time at work, or 2) work out.

I did some big lifting last week. I’ve lost tons of muscle endurance, though my actual lifts are still decent. I’m still strong. I just sweat more and tire sooner.

So be it.

I went again this morning. Did some deadlifts, some hip sleds, some Arnold presses and some hammer curls, then showered and went to work.

I miss having a buddy, but I’m thrilled to be back, taking care of business.

Man, last night was a weird one. I asked The Gal to give me a night off; I wanted an opportunity to hobby and do whatever, and just enjoy some alone-time. She merrily complied and I thought I was in for a great night.

Nope.

Somehow I got into a weird tiff-like thing with her over the phone. When we hung up I just kind of sat there, unsure what happened or where we were headed. After that I somehow managed to get into a text-message argument (I know, right?) with a friend of mine. He’d said that Filet-o-Fish sandwiches weren’t that bad, and were loaded with Omega-3s. Rather than take his word, I went to nutritionaldata.com and checked. No Omega 3, and 470 calories per sandwich. I shoot him the facts and he melts down on me, asking me if I’m satisfied with myself. After that I received notice of an event that I wasn’t expecting. I questioned the director regarding how the event occurred and saw what I thought was a passive-aggressive post to an entire group of friends calling my actions out rather than talking to me directly, which has seemingly spiraled out of control.

Was last night a full moon? Was my bestial side coming to the fore? Am I a bigger douche than I’d care to be?

Don’t know.

I’ve been able to put the situation with The Gal to bed, but after sending an apology to my friend I haven’t heard back (I’m trying to give him the space to accept the apology with grace and charity, but I’m feeling distressed by his lack of response), and I have no idea what to think about the event issue. I don’t think it’s solved, but I also think that it’s kind of gotten to a point where I can’t wrangle it back — I’ve apologized directly on that issue too, but that’s about all I can do unless I had a Delorian.

As I reboot both my efforts and my site here, I wanted to put my Twitter info out there. My username is @TimeIFinish, and you can find me here: https://twitter.com/TimeIFinish

I will be using this username and new account (I’ve got a different Twitter account for other things) to focus primarilly on my weight loss and the weight loss community. I’ll be dropping weight-loss bloggers from my other account and move them to this one.

If you’re part of that community, please follow me and help me build my follow list — I’m very eager to talk to you, and I’m going to need all the support I can get!

Back in July of 2008 I found myself a very unhappy 335 pound man. I don’t exactly know why that day, unlike every day before it, brought a huge rush of motivation to me, but I didn’t stop to question why. I didn’t hold myself back. I dived in, joining a gym, changing my eating habits and writing a blog.

My overall goal was to lose 150 pounds, meet a gal, fall in love, and generally get my life moving forward again.

Amazingly, I sort of kind of did that. Only, it doesn’t work out quite like I’d planned it in my head. See, by committing myself, by taking that first step and making a choice, by drawing a line in the sand, I got my life moving forward that day. I discovered a truth then – if you have nothing to look forward to in life, if you’re always looking to the past as your source of happiness, it’s hard for life to progress. That day I started looking forward.

Is it any wonder then that only one week into my new commitment to myself, I found the seeds of a new romantic relationship plant themselves and slowly take root? Positivity breeds positivity, and life started to show me that. Pretty soon she and I were dating, then she asked me to be closer so we could REALLY see what we had together. These days we’re making jokes about how much ring we can afford, and if we should dial it back (me) to have more for a downpayment on a house, or (her) get something that’s a bit more… uh… bigger.

Looking back at my goals, I see that I hit two on my list: I got my life moving forward, and I found love. The only thing I didn’t do was what I thought the whole thing was about in the first place — lose 150 pounds. At my best, I’d lost 88 pounds, getting down to 247. Tonight when I weighed myself I saw that I’m now 262, amending my loss to 73, or alternatively speaking, gaining 15 pounds.

Fifteen pounds, that have gone from barely-noticed to shameful to hateful in the past four or five months.

And while I’ve been adding weight back on, The Gal has instituted her own weight-loss program to great success. I hate to admit this, but I’ve become jealous. Initially I doubted her willpower — afterall, I was the guy who got up at 5am to hit the gym before work for over a year straight; how was she ever going to find the ability to do something so hard? Yet she did. She’d found the willpower while I’d lost it. It made me envious. Then success for her – one week in and she’d lost weight. One month in and the problems that her knees gave her had all but disappeared under the weight training classes she attended. During that time I noticed that the gorgeous biceps flex I’d developed had vanished. My arm barely changes shape when I flex now. She’d ask me advice, and I willingly gave it — my expertise was all I’d been reduced to at this point. However with each bon mot dispensed, I felt more and more the phony, someone just phoning it in.

That ends now. We’re done with the bullshit. Done with the jealousy, the envy, the feelings of inadequacy and failure that have led me back to ordering large White Chocolate Mochas with whole milk and whip cream, along with apple fritters when starting my day at Caribou Coffee. Eating portion sizes that are twice or more what they should be. Watching my weekly cheat become a daily one. It’s time that is over. It’s time I reassess what I really want. It’s time I finish what I started.

My main goal hasn’t changed — I want to be 185 pounds. However, this time I’ve added some other goals to aim for as well — some weight-related, some not. I’ll be going into those more in the days and weeks ahead, but for now I just want to establish myself again.

***

Just as a quick level-set: I used to blog elsewhere, but lost my mojo as The Gal and her friend made reading me a daily habit. As I began to fail I also started to retreat from my daily writings as I didn’t want them focusing and talking about my failures. It became a self-perpetuating problem. I spoke with The Gal regarding my old blog; she was of the opinion that if blogging is important to me (it is), then I should start up a new one, away from the prying eyes of her and her friends. She’s cool with not having a clue about this thing. So am I. I’m back, and I don’t feel so restricted with my thoughts — not that I’ve got lots to write about her or anything. More like, when I’m trying to be honest with myself by blogging my thoughts, I don’t want to fear that it’ll spark debate back home. Anyway, with the start of this blog that issue is effectively dealt with — I’m back, and I couldn’t be more thrilled. As an act of posterity I’ve brought those old posts over to this new joint.

If you’re new to my weight loss efforts, welcome. If you’re an old friend coming further along with me, welcome back.

I’m glad you’re here – we’ve got work to do.

This weekend I mentioned that I was considering scrapping this blog to The Gal. Not that I was looking to scrap my workouts or anything like that, but the reality is that I used to write more personal entries here and I don’t any more. These entries now tend to just be a quickie update. No thought, no effort. Not a real “journal” as it used to be. The thing is, she reads it, my parents read it, friends read it… I don’t feel like I can be totally honest here anymore, because rather than being an outlet for myself, this blog has instead turned into a bit of a fishbowl. I can’t write about my failures as that now only sparks conversations or looks or even worse, my guilt projected onto these people.

I don’t know. I think I may just start up a different blog under a different name or something, and get it back to being just my little thing. Not something that I want to share with my friends. Just something where I can get things out again, to not bottle up my thoughts and feelings, wary that some hyperbolic or silly statement will bring about cocked eyebrows.

I guess sometimes I feel like I let these people I interact with in real life into my personal thoughts, but that street doesn’t run both ways. Bottom line: I don’t write here anymore, even though I want to.

I won’t be making a decision immediately; I’m going to spend a week or two ruminating over the idea of a change I guess. If I do turn this off, I’ll certainly get back into contact with my blog pals – I’d feel bad to lose all these little relationships I’ve built over the past 18 months or so! Hmm…

In other news, I knocked out a great little lunch session today, getting 3 miles in 30 minutes under my feet. Tonight I’ll be headed to martial arts as well, so I should be doing well.

Just got back from a nice run over my lunch break. Tonight I’ll be heading to martial arts – this should be a great fitness day!

The Gal appears to want to get her fitness up too – looks like more healthy, home-cooked meals and the swapping of gym stories on the horizon. Not too sure what’s motivated her to start going again, but I’m glad that we’re sharing this, even if we’re not doing it together. Makes it easier for both I think.

So I noticed an uptick in blogging from my peers right after the holidays, but it appears to be abating. I think it’s time to go through the blogs I have listed over on the right and start to cull them. I collect weight-loss blogs to help inspire and motivate me, but the lion’s share of them are now mothballed and they’re inspiring very little on my end.